the echo

next on the list of tests was an echocardiogram. this is an ultrasound test that allows your moving heart to be seen on screen. it was another important piece of information for your doctors. the practicing of medicine had begun. your test was performed at primary children's hospital. once again we had to wait for the appointment and then we had to wait for your results. while we waited it was my hope that your heart didn't mirror mine because mine was broken.

the next step

immediately, an amniocentesis was recommended. i was willing to do anything and everything that would help the doctors better prepare for your arrival and know anything and everything they could about you before you were born. and so, the amnio was scheduled. the risks were explained along with the odds for complications. and as much as the doctors tried to reassure me with the odds and low percentages of a complication . . . i found little comfort. agenesis of the corpus callosum: 5 in every million.

doesn't seem like something to be too worried about, until it happens to you.

for keeps

we met with the geneticist, counselors, technicians, and perinatologists. hours were spent filling out paperwork, giving an extensive family history, and answering question after question. in the end we walked down the hall to a large, dimly lit room. on the wall hung huge, flat screen monitors. it was then that we saw you for the first time after learning that something was wrong. wrong enough that the doctor advised us most parents with our diagnosis choose to terminate their pregnancy. as she squeezed the warm gel on my growing belly, tears began to stream down my face soaking the pillow beneath me.

there you were in black and white.

and the choice to keep our pregnancy was too.

handle with care

as we arrived at LDS hospital, brady offered to drop me off while he parked. i refused. as sick as i still was, i wanted to drive around together until we found a parking space together. so we could walk in together. i needed him. and he needed me. when they called us back together, it was obvious that i had fragile written all over me. the only problem was i felt that the contents inside were already broken.

august 2, 2006

the day to see the perinatologist had come. i can remember traveling down I15 towards LDS hospital. as brady and i drove together, i recall looking over at others and wondering where they were going today? many were on their cell phones, most smiling and laughing.

it was at that very moment, i realized that the world wasn't going to stop for my pain.

sleepless in salt lake

i don't even know where to go from here. that is why i haven't typed a single word. when i try, i am overcome by emotions that never seem to be far from the surface. sitting here now i can remember the thoughts and feelings that burdened me daily. i put on a smile for the world as i ached deep inside. and while everyone else continued to live, i felt that i would surely die.

the next 7 days

waiting a week to get into the perinatologist was excrutiating. but within 24 hours we had our first radiology report from cottonwood hospital. following is a small portion of the report:

"solitary live active intrauterine transverse fetus with sonographic size 20 weeks 0 days. dangling choroid plexus is apparent. lateral ventriculomegaly with absent cerebellar vermis and splaying of the cerebellar hemispheres, with borderline prominent cisterna magna; imaging findings suggest intracranial abnormality, most commonly Dandy-Walker malformation."

and so my search began.

please recognize it will have no end.

my need to know

after knowing the sex of baylor, braden, and berkeley, we decided to wait and see what we were having. however, the ultrasound tech kindly printed and labeled an ultrasound picture and placed it in a sealed envelope just in case we changed our mind.

i changed my mind.

i felt an immediate need to know. a need to know everything there was to know. and for me, it started with knowing whether you were going to be a girl or a boy.

i was thrilled that you were a girl.

let the silence begin

we were referred to perinatology. our first appointment was an entire week out. from that moment, the world fell quiet. brady and i left the hospital hand in hand. we shared the silence. i remember my first tear falling as i took the first step out of the hospital into the parking lot.

the world sped on as time stood still for me.

something is desperately wrong

i was 20 weeks pregnant. we had done this 3 times before. so, i couldn't help but feel as if the ultrasound tech was spending way too much time on your sweet little head. i comforted myself for a moment that she was just being thorough. but when my unsettling glance met your dads, i knew instantly that something was wrong. something just didn't feel right. and sure enough, we were kindly asked to step out into the waiting room.

at that moment, i could feel the breaking begin, of my heart. i mean that literally. and although i don't remember, i am sure i walked into the dr.'s personal office. i found myself sitting behind his beautiful mahagoney desk squeezing brady's hand. i glanced up at cindy, my nurse. i could read her face. and then the doctor's muffled voice that "something was desperately wrong."

july 26, 2006